Do Not Exceed 2 Servings Per Day


We listened to Hotline TNT and dreamed of labor

By Jones Whoopass

December 10, 2023

We saw a band post on their social media a picture of themselves in a gas station posing with a giant display for the energy drink Celsius with the caption “The best energy drink the world has ever known”. We couldn’t tell if this praise was heartfelt or ironic, but we do know that many people at the moment agree with the statement. The journalistic dumpster fire that is the New York Post recently wrote that the American political machine in Washington D.C. is powered by Celsius, to such a degree that there is even a Celsius vending machine in the basement of the U.S. Capitol building.

That’s 200 milligrams of insanity. And since when did mass market energy drinks start including 200 milligrams of caffeine as an industry standard? Are we getting amped up to the maximum to maximize our productivity, or just moving closer and closer to fully normalizing drug addiction?

Red Bull’s going to have to squeeze the bulls balls a little harder to get more taurine if they want to compete. We remember a Sunday in church as a child where our priest took some time during his homily to talk about Red Bull. We think he said that it was actually invented by the devil and that part of its secret formula is a generous serving of original sin. Anyway, this Kiwi Guava Celsius tastes amazing.